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Dating with Dignity

with Marni Battista

the Sista's Dating Guru

As the founder of Dating With Dignity and more than 25 years of personal relationship and dating experience, Marni has dated, was married for 17 years, divorced, and then successfully dated again in the 21st century. In addition, she has received professional training in dating and relationship coaching.

Most important, as a divorcee for more than 5 years, Marni truly understands what it feels like to be lonely and sick of wasting time on dates with men that go nowhere. 

Marni comes to us all the way from Los Angeles and I am thrilled that she has agreed to share her knowledge and experience with Sistas In The City. 

Please visit the Dating with Dignity site and if you leave any comments or questions for her, make sure you let her know that you are a Sista from Australia.

www.datingwithdignity.com

Need some advise, tips or suggestions regarding dating? 

Ask Marni!

Email your dating question to Marni and she will respond on this page. 

datingwithdignity@gmail.com

You can choose to remain anonymous if you wish.  Just let us know. 

Make sure you put 'Question from a Sista' in the subject line.

 How to Meet More People This Weekend!

 How To Prepare For YOUR 2010!

Avoiding Picture Fraud - 41/2 Tips to Online Dating Success 

 I went on no less than 100 Internet dates between January 2004 and February, 2009. I met my first post-divorce boyfriend on Craig’s List, experimented with Jdate, Match.com, Nerve.com, Plentyoffish.com., Elitemeeting.com, and more. I went on coffee dates, dinner dates, drink dates, hiking dates and dates that lasted less than 15 minutes. I even traveled to New York city to meet someone who, for the 10 day prior to our face-to-face meeting, I truly thought was my soul mate. He wasn’t.

I did, however, meet some incredible men online with whom I have become friends. What’s more, Internet dating can work. In fact, my dad met his girlfriend on Jdate. It was his first, best, and only online date. There are countless success stories of those who have found love online , which is why, if you become an adept, intentional Internet dater, you can enjoy the process of dating online. Here are five general guidelines to help you find love online.

1. Five Pictures Plus. Ensure that prior to meeting a potential date you have seen more than 5 photos of this person. If they have just two photos, one of which is a professional headshot, ask them via email to send you pictures directly. Don’t feel that because you are requesting more photos you are going to be perceived as “picky,” or “shallow.” In truth, you are taking care of your needs, reducing the possibilities of disappointment and ensuring you don’t waste time. Occasionally, you may receive a reply that reads like this. “Sorry Susie. I don’t have any recent photos, My friends tell me I am much better looking than my pics. Don’t worry. I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.” In my experience I have found that those men and women that need to tell you they are attractive should be avoided. In turn, ensure that you have at least five photos to post online, and don’t spend energy reassuring your prospect that you are, in fact, attractive.

2. Zoom-a-zoom: Ensure that of those five pictures, at least 3 of them are close up photos. If you have to zoom into the face, squint, lean into your computer screen, or find yourself asking friends if the prospect is attractive because the zoom effect has pixilated John or Sue’s face into a 1980s version of Tetris, ask for additional photos.

3. Do the Sherlock- Holmes, that is: If you kindly ask when the prospect’s online photos were taken, there is a fifty percent chance he or she may exaggerate. Instead, ask a more open-ended question that can prompt insight into this person’s values about honesty. For example, “I am fascinated by the online dating process. In what ways do you think a person’s online dating profile reflects who they really are?” Not only can you discuss photos and other information they have posted on their profile, but this line of conversation can also provide insights in their belief systems, values and experiences dating online.

4. You so sexy: If you are looking for the possibility of a serious relationship, avoid men who post pictures of themselves sans shirt. Men should also be quick to avoid women who post provocative photos. Posting these kinds of photos tells the online “shopper” that this person feels their self worth is based mostly on their attractiveness or sexuality.

4 ½. No guarantees: If you have done all you can to reduce the risk of picture fraud, be certain there are no guarantees. Whether the pictures the person has posted online are accurate or not, smile when you meet her. Not attracted? No worries. Spend time practicing your dating skills. Ask open-ended questions. Release judgments. Smile again. And be sincere upon ending the date. For example, “I enjoyed the opportunity to get to know more about you Susie. Thanks so much for agreeing to meet me. (Look directly into Susie’s eyes. (Smile) I wish you the best of luck. I hope you have an amazing day.” Do not tell Susie you will “talk to her soon,” “talk to her later,” or send her an email. Say thank you. Say goodbye. If Susie contacts you again, politely tell her how much you enjoyed the time you spent together, and that “it’s not a match.” No more. No less. Remember, like energy attracts like energy. If you desire to surround yourself with compassionate, polite and honest members of the opposite sex, do the same in kind.

Bringing Feminine Mojo to Your Date 

The Age of the Cougar - Should You Be An Ageist? 

I finally watched an episode of “Cougar Town” last night. Courtney Cox looked, “good for 40 plus,” though oddly plasticized. I must admit I felt quite relieved when my boyfriend, Jem, voiced his disgust at her botox and collagen, telling me he will love me the same when there are less people in the world who tell me I also “look good for 40 plus.” Which thus brings me to a conversation I had with my friend while walking Monday in which we discussed the issue of age, being a cougar, and why it’s OK to be a cougar unless addressed as “cougar” by someone in his twenties!

Here’s my point: Age doesn’t matter, unless it does.

I spent most of my five years as a divorcee dating younger men. My first post-divorce boyfriend in 2004 was 11 years my junior. He did, however, have two children and was also divorced. Mistakenly, I assumed that because he had children and had been through the process of marriage and divorce he had the emotional maturity required to be in a functional relationship. Needless to say, he didn’t. And, quite frankly, I didn’t either. Lesson #1: Just because someone has the same life experiences as you do, does not mean he/she have the maturity that typically comes from having those experiences.

After I dated Junior I tested the waters dating a few men closer to my age. I met a variety of men who belonged to different MANimal species including a few of the Quality Casual types, Mr. Murse (see blog on him below) and those whom I didn’t date more than once and thus could only be put into the category called, ” Excessive Talk About Ex-Wife and Custody Schedules.” During this period I realized once again, that while sharing many of the same life experiences, these men weren’t looking for the same things as me. Some were still recovering from loss, others were enjoying their freedom, and others just “weren’t a match.” Lesson #2: Dating is a skill to be practiced because it enables you to discern your non-negotiables, likes, dislikes and creates opportunities to practice connecting with people, whether or not you want to have them as a romantic partner.

I continued to attract younger men into my life, and it was during this time that I decided who was too young, and who was not. Too young is someone who has never seen an episode of “Happy Days."  Too young is someone who spends most of the date telling you he is “really mature,” or texts you at 11:30 pm asking, “where you at?” These men were perfectly appropriate when my relationship goal was to date casually while I was figuring out how I could keep my independence in relationship and determine what I was truly looking for in a partner. Lesson #3: It’s really is fun to realize you can attract younger men, and that you have it in you to stay up past closing time, but critical to recognize that it’s value is just that, a good time.

Once I became ready to be in a relationship and had identified what was negotiable and what was not negotiable, I knew that I would not be an age-ist (someone who dates regardless of age) because I knew that what I was looking for was a more wholistic package. I knew I wanted a man with emotional maturity, someone who didn’t want to have kids of his own, a person who was on a spiritual path, and who lived in Los Angeles. I am now in a relationship with a man who fits the bill in these areas and is eight years younger than me. Of course there are times when I wonder if he will love me when my crinkles turn to wrinkles. Or, if it really does matter that I have let too much time lapse between visits to the colorist. Mostly, however, I am centered and come from a place of self love, knowing that Jem fell in love with me. All of me. The good parts, the parts that are works in progress, as well as the woman who “looks good for 40 plus.” Which brings me to the most important lesson of all; Lesson #4: Most importantly, determine your values, decide what you are looking for in a partner, and then decide if age is important. Because in the end age doesn’t matter, unless it does.